Let's go for it !!

In 2004 I finally had enough! My husband took off and went to Nebraska and left me home with the 2 miniature horses, burro, Sam (big horse), dogs, and cats. He went to his son's (my step-son) for 3 days. We have not been able to go on vacation since we got the miniature horses. I pointed that out to him when he bought them... but that did not matter to him at the time. He could not have gone if he did not left me at home to take care of the animals.

While he was gone we had a storm. Around midnight I sat in this double wide with the wind blowing 100 miles an hour. It was hailing so hard that it actually put holes in our guttering for the first time in 22 years. The hail was hitting so hard that I thought it was going to break every window!! When the wind blows a double wide the house kind of shakes. The car was not in the garage and I could not move it in the garage. How it was not hail damaged had to have been a work of God. Many times the electric goes off with weather like that. He should have come home that night but he stayed one night longer.

Needless to say I was pretty upset!! We went to eat at a local cafe the evening that he got home. As we were sitting there we were both giving each other looks that could kill each other!! He had his way and now things were to continue as before. The next day our son called me and said that his dad had come to see him and told him that he was thinking about getting a divorce!! My son thought it was funny and said he was trying to talk his dad out of getting a divorce. Here is a man that I caught with another woman when my son was 3 years old and he is going to divorce me.

My husband was in his recliner sitting smug and stubborn... both of us still angry! When my son called me and told me that.. it was just too much! I went into the living room and I told him what our son said. His answer was... "Yes, I am thinking about it!" My answer to him knocked him for a loop. I told him... "Let's go for it! I am sick of this relationship! We will have an auction sale and split everything down the middle." His answer was that he was not going to have an auction sale because he worked his butt off for everything around here. I told him that I had worked too, not just him. He said he was not leaving! I asked him what he thought he was going to do... just sit here and keep everything?? I told him that in the state of Kansas a woman gets half... and while I was at it I would take half of his retirement also! He did not like that either because he was not going to leave and I could get the divorce. Then I told him... "Okay, I will tell you what we will do. We will both live here. You can have your horses and I can have my dogs. You can come and go as you please and do what ever you want to do. I will also come and go as I please. We can live as room mates because that is the way we are living now!" He did not like the idea of me coming and going as I well pleased. He then started telling me that he always wanted me to go with him and etc. (Shaking my head.)

My husband has changed since that day. I really do believe that if I had let him walk the first time he pulled that... life would have been better for us... or apart. Trusting in the Lord to take care of my tomorrows. Because of the situations that I have lived through in my life; they have taught me to have strength. My strength comes from the Lord. Trusting Him.. not myself or others. Letting Him lead and guide me through life trials. What ever the Lord brings me too... He will lead me through.

All the trials that I have gone through in my marriage was worth it all. I have a 32 year old son that is a minister. All of my children and grandchildren are Christians. What more could I ask for in life. Life here is just a moment compared to Eternity.

Trusting the Lord

It took me ever so long to FULLY trust the Lord. Is it that just being human makes us want to be in total control of our life?? Giving up that control is hard to do. We think that the decisions that we make will make a difference with the inevitable. When I first married my husband he was constantly threatening to pack his clothes and leave. It worked for him because I would beg him not to leave. Not realizing it for a long time... he was a controller. He did things like that to get his way. He did a lot of pouting and fit throwing through out our marriage. It was either his way... or the highway. After about 10 years my thoughts were... you may as well leave now as do it when you are 50 years old. Even though I said that to myself... I still did not give God total control of my life. I was still trying to solve my own problems.

Sin nature

We are all born with a sin nature. If it was not true we would not have to correct young children. A good example is like walking into the bedroom of a 3 year old and they have colored on their wall. When you ask them who did that... they blame it on their 9 year old brother! I feel like we are all born with the knowledge of right and wrong. There are some that does not have a conscience. I know when I do something wrong; but sometimes I have pushed my conscience aside. Not a good thing.

Visited with my daughter

I went into Wichita today and met my daughter. We went to Walgreen's, garage sales, and ate lunch. We had a good time visiting. I forgot all about the walk for cancer!! My husband called me at 15 till 6 and asked where I was. I told him I was at Web and 54. He said he was going on to the school. I told him I would feed the dogs and then be up there.

I bought 5 raffle tickets and won a shirt within 15 minutes!! I just gave them all the money I had in my wallet $12 and bought more raffle tickets. I am not usually that lucky. I told them I was getting ready to leave. She said just put my phone number on the back. It is for a good cause.

I am really tired tonight but yet here I sit on the computer! Bill my step-dad did not call and let us know if he made it to Mo. I guess he did. Sometimes I call him but didn't this time. I have no idea when he will be coming home. My husband got my step-dad's lawn mowed, yard trimmed, and spread that dirt though out the yard. He said there was a lot of trash in that dirt. My step-dad can do some of the most stupid things at times. He does a lot of things just to get attention from the neighbors. I guess everyone does things like that when they get older??

Walk for cancer this evening

We went to the walk for cancer at the local high school this evening. My son and his wife were volunteers. There was a lot of people there from our church. There was a tent for the church and a tent for the drug store where my daughter-in-law works. We had a good time. I am stuffed from eating brownies and pumpkin bread. BJ went with my husband to put the miniature horses up and let the dogs out. It was 11 p.m. by the time we got home. It is going to last from 7 p.m. until 7 a.m. in the morning. Our son and daughter-in-law will be exhausted. He will have to study for his sermon Sunday morning. James had his dad help him today set up. I can not believe the things that we have from garage sales and auctions!!! We had one of those tent things, 4 metal real state signs to put up their signs, coolers, lawn chairs, and a sign that goes on and off that says... Walk & Don't Walk. He gave the sign to them. Tiffany wanted it. They like unusual things. lol

I had a lady stop and talk to me and I did not know who she was?? That is so embarrassing!! I asked Tiffany who she might be and I found out who she was. She had asked me to sing at the White Eagle Fest and then at the walk for cancer 4 years ago. So many people know me and I do not know them. It is from singing at different places.

Hard for me to learn

We went to church yesterday evening. Our son was going through Matthew. He showed part of a film first and then went through scriptures. It was about Jesus talking about things going into our mouth. He said it was not what went into our mouth but what came out of it.

Seems like I am forever working on what I say. I can say something and some people misunderstand me?? I guess the expressions on my face confuses some also... so I have been told. Just the way I am. I seem to be able to read people so I must be studying them when I look at them. Gets me into a lot of trouble. Not really something that is good all the time. It helps me when dealing with people and knowing if someone likes me or not... but not everyone sees what I see. I have to keep still and just wait and see if I am correct. It is so easy to judge others. We should really try to see others just like they see us. What do others see about me.

I am so tired tonight. Am a night person and really wish I was a day person.

Father, help me to be what You want me to be and do what You want me to do.
Amen

Mentally drained

My step-dad stayed in the hospital for 2 weeks. I was there twice a day. Two 60 mile trips a day. Then he went into the nursing home for another 2 weeks. I was there 2 times a day also. Within 1 month I lost 8 pounds. It is hard for me to loose weight. I was so stressed and my blood pressure started going up. The Lord has taught me a lot through my step-dad. I finally had to just let go of things to be able to be healthy myself. He was stressing me out something terrible.

There were a lot of other things that I had to let go of also. How my mother passed away and what caused it. My daughter told the hospital that they could do an autopsy but my step-dad was saying no! In not a very nice way. There are things that I wonder about; but have let go of them. Yesterday is gone and I can not change anything.

I knew what he was thinking when my mother passed away. He thought that he could start life over again. He had been secretly calling his daughter and even talking to his ex-wife a year and half before my mother passed away. He was calling her with a calling card. His daughter had not talked to him for years and did not call him dad. She even told him that he was not her dad... her step-dad was. He ended up with $27,000 missing. His daughter called him and said she wanted money for a new house. She told him if she didn't get the money that she would never talk to him again. This was after he made a trip to see her in Washington D.C. I am proud to say that I do not owe my step-dad anything. In fact he owes me. I like it that way. I am just not a greedy person.

He told me one time that he would let me sign my mother's name on the deed of the house so he could sell it. I don't think so!!! I could care less about the house or anything that is in the house. I don't owe him anything and he does not owe me anything. I did get upset because he would not let me have my mother's boots. He wanted to give them to his niece; no relation to my mother. He finally said I could have them. I did not want the boots after he got mad because I was going to take them. They are still in the closet in the box that they came in. I have not taken one thing from the house. He told me this year that he wanted to put the house in my name too. I told him the truth... there is no way that I will pay the payment of over $500 a month and then his daughter walk in and take half. She can pay the payments. What ever happens just happens.

Brain tumor

My step-dad had a brain tumor removed in the 80's; it was not cancer. The doctor told him that it could return in 5 years, 20 years, or what ever. I lost my mother December 27th and February 12 my step-dad has his first appointment to check out the brain tumor. He was so hard to deal with. He came first in everything. I told him that I would take him to doctor appointments. He knew that I was not a morning person but yet he would make his appointment for 8:30 in the morning!! I had to take out the 2 miniature horses and feed the animals before I could take him to the doctor. He made it very clear that he no longer even liked me.

The doctor was not in any hurry to remove the tumor. He told him that it was a slow growing tumor. It was not cancer. It had taken 20 years for it to get this big. My step-dad was 78 years old and turned 79 that May. I took him to 20 doctor appointments. He had surgery April 17th. His younger sister came and helped me be with him in the hospital.

I had to be at the hospital at 5:30 A.M. the day of surgery. I was going to be there early this next morning but our big horse, Sam got colic. I had to search for Sam. I could not find him. He was at the front of our property rolling!! Not a good thing! I called the vet and by the time he got here Sam had gone to the east field. We went to look at him. I am five foot 1 and Sam was a huge horse. I had to hold him while the vet checked him. I thought he was going to pull my arm out of socket!! Then the vet had me walk him for 30 minutes to see if that would help. Then he told me to walk him to the west side of the field up to the front property in case he had to put him down. Sam was all scratched up with his hide wore off his eyes, hips, and shoulders. The whole time I was walking him to the front of our property I was crying. I felt like I was taking him on a death walk. The vet checked him and told me that he thought it best to put him down. His intestines were twisted. He might not make the trip to Kansas City and he was over 20 years old. Poor Gus (the burro) knew something was wrong. He would not get out of the way! He would put his nose on Sam's nose. Very touching. I was exhausted and my jeans were soak and wet clear up to my knees because of the heavy dew. It was cold that morning too. I really cried when the vet put him down. It is really traumatic when putting down a horse. They just automatically fall to the ground!! They fall really hard! Seems like they are stiff within minutes. Within minutes the flies are swarming on their eyes and nose. I was the one who had to put our little Welsh mare down too; so husband would not have to miss work.

I got to the hospital around noon. Of course my step-dad didn't seem to think I should be late. He was becoming number 1 in every situation. Three years later and he still thinks he is number one. Someone like this is really hard to deal with. I would be crazy by now if it had not been for the Lord.

He knew me well enough to know better

True to my word we did not talk about things like again about my mother. I will not go there!! I am the only child that my mother had and he was not going to ruin my relationship with my mother.

I looked back over the last year that she was alive and wonder if he treated her mean. I know that she told me that he had not talked to her for 3 days one time. When my daughter would go into her house, my mother would tell her... "You see that house over there (looking out her kitchen window while sitting at the table) if I was well enough I would rent that house." The past can not be changed. We have to move on or the past will consume us with grief. The Lord told us that yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come. What we have is today. We should try to make the best of today. Things that we say can not really be taken back. Many times we look back at our lives and wish we could do things different... but we can not!! We can make today better. I feel like it is never too late to start over again. Confess our sins and move on to be a better person. I feel like that many nervous break downs are caused by not letting go of the past. I look back over my life and wonder why I did some of the things that I did. I think to myself... "Was I that stupid??!!" All I can do is pray for the Lord to forgive me of the choices that I made in life and to help me to become a better person. If the Lord can forgive me then I should forget the past and move on.

My Step-dad !!

That evening just after loosing my mother at the hospital... we had my step-dad in our car. We stopped for all of us to eat at IHOP. He said... "Well I am glad that she is gone!!" Then he added ... "Because now she does not have to hurt anymore." He was real calm and cool at the hospital and sat watching all of us cry. He was just too calm! It was like he was glad that she was gone and would not have to do anything for her again.

When we finally got to my mothers... the first time to walk in and her gone!!!! My step-dad said to me... "Tomorrow when you come into town could you buy me some Vitalise? I have not been able to wear it for years." He could have knocked me over with a toothpick!! My mother could not smell some things. She had a breathing problem. It was the smile on his face that made me angry!!

Here is a man that I had known since 1969... the grandpa to my kids and my step-dad for 30 years!! He became a stranger to me within the next several years??

We buried my mother on Saturday. We drove the Blazer and the Van and had everyone together except my oldest son and his wife and daughter. On Monday I went to my step-dad's and I made out thank you cards for the flowers. I off the wall made the statement that at times I thought mom was angry at me and I could not figure out why. He said to me!!!!!! "Your mother was jealous of you. She told me that if you and I had anything to do with each other, that she would disown both of us." WHAT???!!!! I did not say a word. I was in too much shock to even comment back to him.

That day he insisted that I drive him 240 miles the next day to choose her headstone. I was not wanting to go. It had just snowed a couple of days earlier and it was in the month of January. I did not want to drive in snow. I went to his house the next day. He held my coat for me to put it on. I yanked it out of his hands!! I stuck my finger in his face and I told him: "We will NEVER talk about my mother again like yesterday! She is gone and I refuse to talk about her that way!" From then on there seemed to be a silent war between the two of us.

God is really in control

Life is finally getting a little easier... but only through the help of the Lord. Over the last 8 years I have done a lot of growing. I have finally realized that we can not change a person, their actions, or their choices... even when it involves us!! Having faith that the Lord will take care of each situation in our lives and being still ... which is sooo hard to do at times. Going to the Lord in prayer and letting Him wrap us in His arms and comfort us in our hour of need.

I lost my mother 2 days after Christmas of 2005. My mother would have been 80 in March. She had watched her mom die at 68 with cancer, my dad (her ex-husband) died at 69 with cancer, her brother died with a heart attack at 69, another brother died in his 60's with a heart attack, one brother died in a car wreck in his 40's, and she had lost 2 step-brothers with cancer that were also in their 60's. My mother was so scared of cancer and hurt for a long time before her death. My Granny had told her not to go to the hospital and let them operate on her. The minute that they opened up my Granny and my dad... they gave them 6 weeks to live. She refused to go to the hospital.

Life after death

The last year that my mother was alive... she could not hear that well. At the end she did not like for my daughter and I to come at the same time. She could not hear or understand what was being said... and felt like she was left out of the conversation.

The day that my mother passed away; my daughter and I was going to go see her. She wanted my daughter to come first and me come later. When I arrived my mother was sitting in the bathroom in a kitchen chair... it had rollers on it. She did not know that I was standing behind her. She told my daughter that I did not buy her pajamas at Dillards ... that I had bought them at some other store. I motioned to my daughter that I had bought them at Dillards. On sale of course. My mother had lost water in her legs and she needed some new pajamas!! Her pajama bottoms were soaked. Christmas night her legs were soooo swollen!! She refused to go to the hospital!! I am sure that she must have died from massive heart failure.

Finally I touched mom on the shoulder and she looked up at me... wondering if I had heard what she said about the pajamas. This was December 27th; two days after Christmas. Everyone decided that I was to go to Wal Mart and buy her a pair of pajamas and my step-dad wanted me to go by and pay the electric bill that was due that day. While in Wal Mart my daughter called me on my cell phone and told me that my mother was bad and they had called the ambulance. I laid down the pajamas and ran out of Wal Mart crying with everyone looking at me. I arrived the same time they did. They had put her in the floor and my step-dad was screaming that they were not suppose to resuscitate her... really mean!! I guess him and my daughter had a few words when my daughter was screaming to call 911. This was the wishes of my mother... to not go to the hospital. :(

This is what happened just the short time that I was gone. My mother slumped forward and died after choking. My daughter started screaming and crying while holding on to my mother. My daughter's tears were falling on my mother's hands. My mother came back up and said... "I will see you guys on the next trip." She looked at my daughter and said... "Terry Ann I just can not do this anymore." Then she was gone again. It has been so hard on my daughter being with my mother when she died. My mother told my daughter while I was standing behind her... "Well, in about another 17 years you are going to have to go through this with your mother." I was an only child.

Assistant Living Today

Today my husband and I went to the Assistant Living. He taught the lesson, another couple read scripture, and I sang 2 songs. I sang: "Farther Along" and "I Can't Even Walk" (without You holding my hand). Everything went well. We stopped at Pizza Hut and ate lunch on the way home. I laid down for an hour. I have been so tired lately because of being a night person.

Tired this evening

I feel like making an entry but yet my heart is just not in it. Going to decorate Saturday turned out well. The weather was fantastic and traffic was great. The 7 headstone saddles, 13 flower pots, and 2 hanging baskets looked good. For the last 3 years I have made headstone saddles for my mother, dad, and grandparents. I had not made any for my husband's mother or grandparents. His sister is kind of picky and I was scared that she would not like them. My husband told me to make what I wanted. I made one for his mother and another for his grandparents. His brothers told me how pretty they were. I am glad that I made them.

I have decorated since loosing my mother. She use to do all the decorating. I am sure that she thought that I would not decorate after she was gone. I really do enjoy making each one. As I stand and make the flower arrangements .... many thoughts go through my mind of that special person. It gives me time to realize what a joy they were in my life. The flower arrangements that I made for 2 of my uncles... were the only thing that they received.

I remember one of them bringing me milk for my 2 small children when I was single and struggling to make ends meet. I would come home to find a gallon of milk sitting on my porch. It was winter time. The other uncle bought me silly little items when I was growing up.

Met Catholic Sister when 3 years old

Mom and daddy moved to Colorado when I was 3 years old. Everyone came out to Colorado to work. My Granny once again came to Colorado and got me. lol We rode home on the bus. I was asleep when the Catholic sister got on the bus. When I woke up and saw the Catholic sister; I told my Granny that she was one of God's angels and that was my Jesus on a Bible she had on her lap. The Catholic sister was real impressed with what I said. She asked Granny for my name and address. For 6 years this Catholic sister sent me coloring books, books, pamphlets, and many other things in the mail. She would write to me and my mom would read the letters to me. My mom wrote her back for 6 years. When we moved to Oklahoma my mother said that she did not tell the Catholic sister that we were moving. She said she was getting kind of tired of writing to her. I still have many of the things that she mailed me in a doll suitcase.

This Catholic sister was an English Professor in Wichita, Kansas. She was from around Nowatta, Oklahoma. When I was in the 7th grade we heard that a Catholic sister got killed in a car wreck; and we thought it was her. Something very strange happened in the 1982. I moved in the Wichita area in 1975. Since I thought that Sister Margret Treas had been killed in a car wreck I did not try to look her up.

One day my mother called me and said that something kind of strange happened in the cafe where she worked. It was lunch time and normally they were really busy!! This black Catholic sister came in. Mom said she just looked kind of radiant. Something different about her. When the Catholic sister went to pay my mom mentioned that she had known a Catholic sister that wrote to me for 6 years. They talked for about 30 minutes. The Catholic sister told her to tell me that Sister Margret Treas was still praying for me. I also thought it kind of weird so I got on the phone and started checking. Only one Catholic sister knew her. She was in Wichita in 1979. The Catholic sister sounded kind of strange... very hesitant to talk to me. In my mind I will always believe that she passed away around that time.

I almost died twice before the age of 4 years old

When I was about 6 months old my mother poisoned me with her milk. She got a job and wasn't going to breast feed me anymore. One night she let me nurse. I was burning up with fever. The doctor said if they gave me one drop of milk it would kill me. My mother and father was living with my Granny. Mom said she begged Granny to get me well. My Granny feed me nothing but the water off of soaked toast. I know that was not the plan of God, for me to die. I am sure that my Granny did a lot of praying.

Right before I turned 4 I got scarlet fever. Mom and daddy had been living in California at the time. We lived in a trailer court. Uncle Dink and Aunt Wanetta came also. Everyone was working. Granny came to California and took me back to Kansas with her. I would go any where with my Granny. Soon after she got me back to Kansas I got scarlet fever. I can barely remember. I remember when mom came back to Kansas that I fell in the floor when running to meet her. Granny said I could not walk and almost had to learn to walk all over again. My 7th grade principle told me that he lost his daughter (same age as me) with scarlet fever. I am sure that I would have died if Granny had not taken me home with her.

Really up too late!!

We moved back to the town where my Granny lived when I was in the 9th grade. I graduated from that school. They had a contest that summer before I went into the 9th grade. My Granny's sister's daughter... Jane Ellen played the piano. So Aunt Mavis and Jane Ellen decided that Lynette (7 years old) and I would enter the contest. haha! Lynette sang a Elvis song and I sang the old Johnny Ray song... "Just Walkin In The Rain". I remember my cousin saying that her fingers might not work... and I might be walkin' in the rain!! lol My dad was pretty easy going but he was very upset that I was going to enter the contest. He said that I was going to make a fool of myself. Years later I realized that my dad was more than likely thinking about me singing in night clubs and etc. Being in the wild life?? I took 3rd place, the school band boys took first, and the banker's daughter took 2nd doing a dance. Her music stopped while she was dancing but she finished her dance without the music. lol

I hated music class in school. I could never sing with the other girls because I was a low singer. Maybe if I had gone to music I would have learned to harmonize or something?? When singing with a group I have to sing with the men... tenor.. I guess?? I use to sing in the gym after gym class for the girls. I would take my song books and they would want me to sing. We would have about a 10 or 15 minute break after gym. The gym teacher use to let me sing?? My mom found out that I was singing because she worked at the local drugstore with some older girls. The girls that worked at the drug store told my mom that the science teacher use to let them sit there and listen to me sing. I did not know that until later years. lol My mom's boss was so funny. He was a pharmacist and he would have me come to the back of the drugstore and sing a song over his microphone. I was always so nervous doing that. lol

I never sang anywhere for years but continued to sing with my records. I loved to sing.

God's plan

We moved about 6 miles from my Granny and I went to a different school. I went there 2 years. I was in the 7th and 8th grade. I loved to sing so when our music teacher told us that we could sing at our play in the 7th grade... well I said I would sing. I can still remember going to the mic and singing "Satisfied Mind". lol I have a very strong voice. I sang a couple of lines with the mic and then stepped away from it and sang the rest. lol The kids laughed and I laughed too. Everything went real well and the kids applauded for me.

The next year, 8th grade... my music teacher got a hold of me and said she wanted me to sing!! She played the piano for me. She wanted me to sing "Tumbling Tumble Weeds" !! I told her that the music was too high for me. She said that she would lower it for me. I did fine through practice. Well the day that I sang on stage I think she raised the song!! I was nervous because the lights were on in the auditorium. I don't think the lights were on the year before. I could see all them kids out there watching me!! The first words of Tumbling Tumble Weeds is... "I'm a roaming cowboy"!! Of course all the kids laughed!! I thought they were laughing at me. To make things worse... my voice went into a high pitch sound! I ran off of the stage crying. My best friend went with me. I was in the bathroom crying so hard when my 8th grade English teacher came in to see about me. Mrs. White. She wore glasses and I remember her even crying with me. She hugged me and told me that she was going to get permission for me to sing in her play. Oh No!!! No way was I ever going to sing again!! Never!! She said.. Yes you are. I will put a spot light on you and you will not be able to see the people in the audience.

She got permission for me to leave my class for play practice. Our play was "Oklahoma". The song that I sang was "Red River Valley". She had about 4 boys sitting around a fake campfire day dreaming about their sweetheart back home. She had a spot light on me... and I kind of walked behind them. The play took first in Junior High and we did the play for parents and everyone. Thinking back now I could just kick myself for not trying to find this teacher!! What she did for me was unbelievable.

On old computer!!

Well there isn't any way that I can be making comments on any journals right now. :( I am on my old computer. Need to take my new one in and get it fixed even if I have to pay to get it done! I am not that smart when it comes to computers. This old computer is soooo slow!!!

Back when I was growing up my family didn't go to church. Once in a while I would go to church with the neighbors across the field. I remember this little girl that I went to school with in the second grade spent the night with me. She had a little gold pin that was attached to her slip with a safety pin. She was Catholic. I really liked the little pin. She explained to me that it was to protect her. lol She gave me her pin because she said she had another one. :) I wore that little pin on my slip for a long time.

My Granny was always singing... most of the songs she sang was gospel. I think just about everyone that was related to my Granny loved to sing. When I got older my Granny would want me to sing with her. She wanted me to sing lead and then she would harmanize with me. haha! I can still hear her saying... Janie Marie you are singing with me!! When I was 12 we moved to Oklahoma where she lived. One time she got me up in church to sing with her. Oh my!! Again she said... Janie Marie you are singing with me. What a treat it would be to sing with her now. I think I could sing lead now. lol

For years I would sit and sing with my records. I would sit for hours singing. I was an only child and didn't have that many friends. My dad would sing with me when we drove to my Grandma's. I had all them books that had the words to the songs in them. My mother would just sit the whole time we were singing.

Thoughs of yesterday

Mother's Day is this coming Sunday. I was in the kitchen doing something... ?? The thoughts of my Granny came to mind. She was always like a second mother to me while growing up. I married a military man when I was 19 years old. I was an only child. I was gone away from family for 9 years. When my husband was sent to Okinawa I returned home to stay for 18 months. My Granny lived behind me on the other block. Soon her and my step-grandfather moved to a near by town 7 miles away. It wasn't long until my Granny started getting sick. She had pain in her left side. In my mind I always thought that when she had a fall on her back porch and hurt her left side... that is what caused it. She changed doctors. He talked her into having surgery. After the surgery the doctor gave her 6 weeks to 6 months to live. She had cancer of the pancreas and colon. She was a very strong lady so therefore it took her longer to die. :( She passed away the day before my birthday.

Friday as I was standing in the kitchen thoughts of my Granny came to mind. She was 68 years old when she passed away. That is only about 3 years older than I am now. So young! I remember thinking how old my Granny looked. She had the silver blue hair and was over weight. Needed to loose about 50 pounds at the most. She was a loving person and would feed anyone. When my step-grandfather lost his job she took in little old ladies to take care of. One little lady would have died if my Granny would not have taken care of her. She took such good care of them. She would wash their hair, fix it, and even give them a permanent. Thinking of her... I am thinking... did she feel as young as I feel?? I am sure that she did. She just acted different than I do. lol

It was very hard on my mother loosing her mother. Three months later her brother got killed in a car accident. Oh... how it hurt my mother!

Day before Mother's Day

Today I was getting ready for Mother's Day tomorrow. I vacuumed the whole house. I wanted to do some dusting in case some of the kids came to the house. Not that they would mind... just wanted it to look half way good.

My step-dad called and said that he had cooked some beans with ham and wanted to know if we wanted to eat with him. Hmmm I did not want to go. :( Gary did not really want to go either... but we went. It seemed to just ruin and interfere with my plans.

The next day it was Mother's Day. I lost mom December 2005. I set the table to eat beans and cornbread. I took 3 pieces of chocolate cake. Gary did not want any so I left them with my step-dad.

I did the dishes and while standing at the sink I looked out the kitchen window that my mother had looked out. Looking at the plants coming up that she loved. As I washed dishes I was thinking of her standing at the sink. There was just a sadness in my heart. I was not wanting that feeling at this time and place. Not realizing that the place where the silverware goes in the dish washer... it was broken. The silver ware was falling through and I could not get the dish washer door to close! The more I tried to close the door.. the worse it got!!! I bruised up my hands and arms trying to fix it. I was so upset and my blood pressure was rising!! I was ready to tear the door off of the dish washer! This was just not my plans for the day! Beans usually upset my stomach. Why didn't I just say... No tomorrow is Mother's Day!

Mother's Day 2009

Went to church this morning. We had a missionary and his wife from India through Sunday School. The message was a great message. Told us that America had changed in the last 3 years and we need to stay strong as Christians. Soon we may be without our freedom of religion.

My son and his wife gave me a necklace, ear rings, and bracelet. My daughter-in-law made them. They also gave me an orchid and card. My other daughter-in-law sent me a card. My daughter wanted to come out today but poor little Carlie is running 102 temp. We went ahead and stopped at the local cafe and ate breakfast before coming home. Later my step-dad came out to our house. I made some strawberries with sugar; and served with angel food cake. He left at 5:30. We had a lazy day watching old westerns. I had a wonderful Mother's Day.

Jealousy

Years ago the Lord taught me a lesson about being jealous of something that someone else has. I was in the 4Th grade and knew better!! The Lord taught me that by being jealous of others we not only betray our self but also hurt the other person. Most of all I feel like we harm ourselves if we let something like that fester.

I got an allowance every week by doing chores. We lived on a farm. I got .25 cents a week. I always saved my money. I would only spend a little at a time. My Grandpa Henry said I was the only smart one. haha!

My best and only friend was the little girl, Louise, who lived across the pasture from us. She was 3 years younger than I. She was in the first grade and was sooo excited about school and all of her school supplies. She had a little 6 inch ruler that was turquoise. I loved that color when I was little. It was not so much the color or the idea that I could not buy a ruler like hers... it was being jealous over how happy she was. I could have bought 10 rulers like that for 5 or 10 cents!!

While she was outside playing I went into the one room school house and took her ruler!! I hid the ruler inside my desk. When class started she realized that her ruler was gone! She was almost in tears and told me that someone had taken her ruler!! I of course thought that was terrible. When we had another recess I ran back into the school and put the ruler back in her desk as fast as I could. I can still remember how relieved I felt. When we returned from recess she told me that someone had put her ruler back into her desk. I felt so ashamed for what I had done.

I remember later when I was 12 being in the dime store and seeing a girl get caught stealing something. She was crying. The store manager said they were going to call her parents. That also taught me a lesson later in life.

Sometimes we feel like things that we do is not stealing. I should have known better on this one too!! I lived in San Antonio, Texas and there was a store that had a grand opening. My friend and I went. It was sooo crowded! They were selling shorts and blouse sets. I found the shorts that I liked, but did not like the blouse that went with it. I found another blouse that I liked better. :) They were the same price and I didn't feel like it was stealing. Hmmm So I changed blouses!! The first time that I washed that blouse... it fell all to pieces!! My thought.. well that is what I get for being dishonest. Thank You Lord.

Singing gospel

Kind of nice to come here and just let my thoughts out. Like a private journal. I just got through recording 3 songs to be played at my aunt's funeral. I learned early on that by doing gospel music.. you must be prepared for anything!

I did a gospel recording in 1986 which opened up doors for me. I never will forget the first time I went to a local church to sing. I was getting around pretty good. This was something new for me. I had all my things organized and just had to get dressed. When I got ready to put on my clothes... I could not find my half slip!! Where did it go!! I swore that I had it laying on the bed. After too much time spent looking for it... I thought I would look UNDER the bed !!! Sure enough... there it was. How did it actually get under the bed? How could it slip off of the bed and then go under it?? Running a little late but still alright. Before I went out the door I thought I would spray some mouth spray in my mouth. It was a small bottle of mouth spray that you carry in your handbag. I sprayed it in my mouth... so I thought!! I sprayed it in my eye!! I had worn contacts that day. Here I am with my eye watering... mascara going down my face... red eye!! What else could possibly go wrong. I got there on time, but needless to say I was a nervous wreck. Everything went smooth after I got there. Thank You Lord.

Just writing tonight and don't know what I will write??

We went to assistant living today. Gary taught, Jim said prayer, Christel read some scriptures, and I sang 2 songs.... "Shepherd Of My Valley" and "Just A Closer Walk With Thee". The song Shepherd of my valley reminds me so much of my dad. My uncle gave me a cassette with that song on it. My dad was so peaceful through his death. He said that if Jesus had to suffer; then why shouldn't we have to suffer? The day he passed away, he raised up on his elbow and said... "Well, Jesus that is You." He was then gone.

I received word from my aunt that her sister, and my aunt (one week younger than I) is with hospice. Her body is shutting down. She is Down Syndrome. We call that disabled... but yet are they? She enjoys the simple things in life. Happy with little. She has lived in an assistant living for almost 30 years. When she was younger she went to work everyday making fishing flies. She enjoyed her work and loved spending what little money that she made. She received a paycheck and learned to sign her own name. Sharon is very loved by others; her family, friends, staff, and nurses. The home is planning on making the trip to her funeral. It is a sad time for everyone. Even though she is Down Syndrome she has heard about Jesus. She was in the hospital last week when my aunt went to see her. They talked and Sharon told her sister that she would get to see Momma and Daddy again. She was near death and they thought they were going to loose her then.

If God knew when we were born... which I believe He has control of... then He also knows the day that we will die. Being able to let God have control is peace beyond understanding. Things that are hard to bear are possible through God. I feel like at times ... just knowing that ... If God is for us, who can be against us... is enough. Weighing out our lives... the good and the bad... if we do not receive more good.. it is still enough. Jesus gave us His all. He tells us to weep when we are born and to rejoice when we die. We seem to have things backwards.

Thank You Father for the things that I take for granted in life. Most of all thank You for Your Son... Jesus Christ. Amen

Host of the wild will be lead by a child

My little grand-daughter.

LINK TO MY SON'S VIDEO LESSONS ON YOU TUBE

Link to my son's videos on You Tube. Short sermon about Easter. God Bless, Janie

http://www.youtube.com/profile?user=VideoPreacherMan&view=videos

Years of yesterday

My Granny use to say that before you die you live your life all over again. How I find these words so true as I get older. Many times thoughts run rampant through my mind when I least expect it. lol Sometimes I don't even know what triggers these thoughts. lol

About a week ago when I first got up I started thinking about the time that my Grandma and Grandpa took Sharon (my aunt 1 week younger than I) to the rodeo. Sharon and I had been upstairs looking through old clothes in boxes. We tried a lot of them on. As I pondered on that thought the other day... I was thinking... Oh my goodness it is a wonder that we did not get bit by a brown recluse spider! No one slept upstairs since Sharon was the only child living with Grandma and Grandpa.

I could still remember the excitement that we had getting to go to the rodeo. In many ways I was mature; but I guess I could say that I was very naive and sheltered. I admired all of my aunts and my uncle that ranged from the age of 5 to 15 years older than I. I thought they were all great. I think a lot of youth looks up to older siblings and relatives. I found just what I was wanting to wear! WooHoo! It was a western suit that my Uncle Don wore (hard telling how long ago and hard telling where he went in that suit hehehe) Of course it was too long for me! We found something for Sharon to wear... can not remember what it was now. We went down stairs and showed Grandma what we were going to wear to the rodeo. Grandma was lenient and tried to tell us that we should not wear what we had chosen. Of course I was the "big duck in the puddle" and persuaded Grandma to let us wear them. I remember taking thread and needle to the pants to hem them. I can just imagine what they looked like! lol Sharon and I went to the rodeo with Grandma and Grandpa. I remember being warm in the long sleeve shirt that I had chosen. lol

As I sat and thought about it the other day.... I could not help but laugh and shake my head. I bet we both looked like the clowns at the rodeo. I was too young to notice anyone looking at us. Being young and without worry or fear; the days of yesterday.

Wishing everyone a bless year. God Bless, Janie

My son on You Tube "Who do you say I am?"

My youngest son (32 years) is a minister in a small growing church in Kansas. He is going to be making entries on You Tube. This is #1 Life Of Jesus. He said there will be approximately 4 parts for each lesson due to the limited time. I will also include a link to the entry and the actual video. Below is the link to You Tube.

Link to You Tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9hKonLFG98

Planting a seed

Back when I was divorced, single, and singing in night clubs; my mother was giving church parties at her house. She would watch my 2 oldest children. One night I took the kids to her house and she said: "Janie, I want you to listen to this song." That song really got to me but there was no way that I would let her know that. Some young guy sang "Thanks To Calvary".

The Lord even supplied a young couple across the street from where I lived to take my children to church on Wednesday nights. I remember the neighbor's younger brother coming to talk to me one night. He had no idea that I was really close to accepting the Lord. The neighbor played a guitar. Not real good but played cords. He asked me to sing one night at their church. Oh man! I went and did I ever feel like a Jezebel. lol I was really not that bad of person but I had not accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. The Bible lesson last week said that we are born with that desire. I feel like I was.

My mother planted a seed when she had me listen to that song. I feel like the Lord knows when, where, and how we will accept Him. I feel like many times we have to be down soooo low that the only thing that we can do it LOOK UP. I did not accept Christ until about 3 years after hearing that song. I went to church with my mother and requested for the young man to sing that song. Little did I know at that time that 11 years later I would be able to do a gospel recording with the name "Thanks To Calvary" by Janie Marie.

Below is the link of me singing Thanks To Calvary:

Thanks To Calvary

What is happiness?

As I am sitting here tonight just doing some thinking. What do I expect from life to make me happy? As I sit and ponder on my life I can see so many blessings that I just take for granted each day. Does the Lord tell me that His way is straight and narrow? If I'm heavy laden to take His yoke. What do I think I am entitled to each day? Am I suppose to have a day of PERFECT peace when there is a world of others hurting and hungry? Am I grateful for each blessing in my life? Do I sit and dwell upon the things that people say or do..... or do I brush myself off, GIVE it to the Lord, and continue the day? Pray for ALL things..... BIG and small. Keeping God close to my side throughout the day is the assurance of peace. Keep my mind on Him. Why do I want to take the speck out of my brother's eye when I have a log in my own? He is the great healer. Nothing is impossible with God. Do I put limits on God? I can speak to God anytime or anyplace. He can hear just a whisper... and just a thought. Talking to Him through my thoughts not just when I am on bended knees.

Father, tonight I just want to thank you for all the many blessings that you have given me. Many things I take for granted. Thank you for my children. Thank you for making me in Your Image. Awwww the beauty of nature and animals! What an amazing God You are! All the beautiful things that You have given me FREE. I know that my future is in Your hands. I trust my life with you Father. Thank You so much for my eyes to see the beautiful things that You created. Thank You for the talents that You have given me. Please have mercy on me for the things that I do that make You unhappy. Father lead and guide me. Father help me to reach others to know You. Father thank You for giving Your Son to free me from my sins. Amen