Brain tumor

My step-dad had a brain tumor removed in the 80's; it was not cancer. The doctor told him that it could return in 5 years, 20 years, or what ever. I lost my mother December 27th and February 12 my step-dad has his first appointment to check out the brain tumor. He was so hard to deal with. He came first in everything. I told him that I would take him to doctor appointments. He knew that I was not a morning person but yet he would make his appointment for 8:30 in the morning!! I had to take out the 2 miniature horses and feed the animals before I could take him to the doctor. He made it very clear that he no longer even liked me.

The doctor was not in any hurry to remove the tumor. He told him that it was a slow growing tumor. It was not cancer. It had taken 20 years for it to get this big. My step-dad was 78 years old and turned 79 that May. I took him to 20 doctor appointments. He had surgery April 17th. His younger sister came and helped me be with him in the hospital.

I had to be at the hospital at 5:30 A.M. the day of surgery. I was going to be there early this next morning but our big horse, Sam got colic. I had to search for Sam. I could not find him. He was at the front of our property rolling!! Not a good thing! I called the vet and by the time he got here Sam had gone to the east field. We went to look at him. I am five foot 1 and Sam was a huge horse. I had to hold him while the vet checked him. I thought he was going to pull my arm out of socket!! Then the vet had me walk him for 30 minutes to see if that would help. Then he told me to walk him to the west side of the field up to the front property in case he had to put him down. Sam was all scratched up with his hide wore off his eyes, hips, and shoulders. The whole time I was walking him to the front of our property I was crying. I felt like I was taking him on a death walk. The vet checked him and told me that he thought it best to put him down. His intestines were twisted. He might not make the trip to Kansas City and he was over 20 years old. Poor Gus (the burro) knew something was wrong. He would not get out of the way! He would put his nose on Sam's nose. Very touching. I was exhausted and my jeans were soak and wet clear up to my knees because of the heavy dew. It was cold that morning too. I really cried when the vet put him down. It is really traumatic when putting down a horse. They just automatically fall to the ground!! They fall really hard! Seems like they are stiff within minutes. Within minutes the flies are swarming on their eyes and nose. I was the one who had to put our little Welsh mare down too; so husband would not have to miss work.

I got to the hospital around noon. Of course my step-dad didn't seem to think I should be late. He was becoming number 1 in every situation. Three years later and he still thinks he is number one. Someone like this is really hard to deal with. I would be crazy by now if it had not been for the Lord.

He knew me well enough to know better

True to my word we did not talk about things like again about my mother. I will not go there!! I am the only child that my mother had and he was not going to ruin my relationship with my mother.

I looked back over the last year that she was alive and wonder if he treated her mean. I know that she told me that he had not talked to her for 3 days one time. When my daughter would go into her house, my mother would tell her... "You see that house over there (looking out her kitchen window while sitting at the table) if I was well enough I would rent that house." The past can not be changed. We have to move on or the past will consume us with grief. The Lord told us that yesterday is gone and tomorrow may never come. What we have is today. We should try to make the best of today. Things that we say can not really be taken back. Many times we look back at our lives and wish we could do things different... but we can not!! We can make today better. I feel like it is never too late to start over again. Confess our sins and move on to be a better person. I feel like that many nervous break downs are caused by not letting go of the past. I look back over my life and wonder why I did some of the things that I did. I think to myself... "Was I that stupid??!!" All I can do is pray for the Lord to forgive me of the choices that I made in life and to help me to become a better person. If the Lord can forgive me then I should forget the past and move on.

My Step-dad !!

That evening just after loosing my mother at the hospital... we had my step-dad in our car. We stopped for all of us to eat at IHOP. He said... "Well I am glad that she is gone!!" Then he added ... "Because now she does not have to hurt anymore." He was real calm and cool at the hospital and sat watching all of us cry. He was just too calm! It was like he was glad that she was gone and would not have to do anything for her again.

When we finally got to my mothers... the first time to walk in and her gone!!!! My step-dad said to me... "Tomorrow when you come into town could you buy me some Vitalise? I have not been able to wear it for years." He could have knocked me over with a toothpick!! My mother could not smell some things. She had a breathing problem. It was the smile on his face that made me angry!!

Here is a man that I had known since 1969... the grandpa to my kids and my step-dad for 30 years!! He became a stranger to me within the next several years??

We buried my mother on Saturday. We drove the Blazer and the Van and had everyone together except my oldest son and his wife and daughter. On Monday I went to my step-dad's and I made out thank you cards for the flowers. I off the wall made the statement that at times I thought mom was angry at me and I could not figure out why. He said to me!!!!!! "Your mother was jealous of you. She told me that if you and I had anything to do with each other, that she would disown both of us." WHAT???!!!! I did not say a word. I was in too much shock to even comment back to him.

That day he insisted that I drive him 240 miles the next day to choose her headstone. I was not wanting to go. It had just snowed a couple of days earlier and it was in the month of January. I did not want to drive in snow. I went to his house the next day. He held my coat for me to put it on. I yanked it out of his hands!! I stuck my finger in his face and I told him: "We will NEVER talk about my mother again like yesterday! She is gone and I refuse to talk about her that way!" From then on there seemed to be a silent war between the two of us.

God is really in control

Life is finally getting a little easier... but only through the help of the Lord. Over the last 8 years I have done a lot of growing. I have finally realized that we can not change a person, their actions, or their choices... even when it involves us!! Having faith that the Lord will take care of each situation in our lives and being still ... which is sooo hard to do at times. Going to the Lord in prayer and letting Him wrap us in His arms and comfort us in our hour of need.

I lost my mother 2 days after Christmas of 2005. My mother would have been 80 in March. She had watched her mom die at 68 with cancer, my dad (her ex-husband) died at 69 with cancer, her brother died with a heart attack at 69, another brother died in his 60's with a heart attack, one brother died in a car wreck in his 40's, and she had lost 2 step-brothers with cancer that were also in their 60's. My mother was so scared of cancer and hurt for a long time before her death. My Granny had told her not to go to the hospital and let them operate on her. The minute that they opened up my Granny and my dad... they gave them 6 weeks to live. She refused to go to the hospital.

Life after death

The last year that my mother was alive... she could not hear that well. At the end she did not like for my daughter and I to come at the same time. She could not hear or understand what was being said... and felt like she was left out of the conversation.

The day that my mother passed away; my daughter and I was going to go see her. She wanted my daughter to come first and me come later. When I arrived my mother was sitting in the bathroom in a kitchen chair... it had rollers on it. She did not know that I was standing behind her. She told my daughter that I did not buy her pajamas at Dillards ... that I had bought them at some other store. I motioned to my daughter that I had bought them at Dillards. On sale of course. My mother had lost water in her legs and she needed some new pajamas!! Her pajama bottoms were soaked. Christmas night her legs were soooo swollen!! She refused to go to the hospital!! I am sure that she must have died from massive heart failure.

Finally I touched mom on the shoulder and she looked up at me... wondering if I had heard what she said about the pajamas. This was December 27th; two days after Christmas. Everyone decided that I was to go to Wal Mart and buy her a pair of pajamas and my step-dad wanted me to go by and pay the electric bill that was due that day. While in Wal Mart my daughter called me on my cell phone and told me that my mother was bad and they had called the ambulance. I laid down the pajamas and ran out of Wal Mart crying with everyone looking at me. I arrived the same time they did. They had put her in the floor and my step-dad was screaming that they were not suppose to resuscitate her... really mean!! I guess him and my daughter had a few words when my daughter was screaming to call 911. This was the wishes of my mother... to not go to the hospital. :(

This is what happened just the short time that I was gone. My mother slumped forward and died after choking. My daughter started screaming and crying while holding on to my mother. My daughter's tears were falling on my mother's hands. My mother came back up and said... "I will see you guys on the next trip." She looked at my daughter and said... "Terry Ann I just can not do this anymore." Then she was gone again. It has been so hard on my daughter being with my mother when she died. My mother told my daughter while I was standing behind her... "Well, in about another 17 years you are going to have to go through this with your mother." I was an only child.

Assistant Living Today

Today my husband and I went to the Assistant Living. He taught the lesson, another couple read scripture, and I sang 2 songs. I sang: "Farther Along" and "I Can't Even Walk" (without You holding my hand). Everything went well. We stopped at Pizza Hut and ate lunch on the way home. I laid down for an hour. I have been so tired lately because of being a night person.

Tired this evening

I feel like making an entry but yet my heart is just not in it. Going to decorate Saturday turned out well. The weather was fantastic and traffic was great. The 7 headstone saddles, 13 flower pots, and 2 hanging baskets looked good. For the last 3 years I have made headstone saddles for my mother, dad, and grandparents. I had not made any for my husband's mother or grandparents. His sister is kind of picky and I was scared that she would not like them. My husband told me to make what I wanted. I made one for his mother and another for his grandparents. His brothers told me how pretty they were. I am glad that I made them.

I have decorated since loosing my mother. She use to do all the decorating. I am sure that she thought that I would not decorate after she was gone. I really do enjoy making each one. As I stand and make the flower arrangements .... many thoughts go through my mind of that special person. It gives me time to realize what a joy they were in my life. The flower arrangements that I made for 2 of my uncles... were the only thing that they received.

I remember one of them bringing me milk for my 2 small children when I was single and struggling to make ends meet. I would come home to find a gallon of milk sitting on my porch. It was winter time. The other uncle bought me silly little items when I was growing up.